


I'm not a good person

by Meme_Witch



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Angst, Child Neglect, Crimes & Criminals, F/M, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Internal Monologue, Murder, Organized Crime, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Unresolved Romantic Tension, but like that's basically their entire thing so did i really need to tag it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 22:12:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17837096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meme_Witch/pseuds/Meme_Witch
Summary: No matter what she did, Bruce never stopped seeing the good in her. She couldn't understand it. What 'good', Bruce? There IS no good. At her core she really just cared for herself, and only herself. Even Bruce, the one person left who she had any attachment left to, she only cared about because occassionally he made her feel like she was worth something. And she had nothing to offer him in return. He knew who he was, with or without her. It was a selfish bond, and that was a fact.(What was going through Selina's mind when Bruce confronted her in Gotham 5x05 'Pena Dura')





	I'm not a good person

"Selina. I know you, and this isn't you," Bruce spoke with concern as she sat down next to him at the bar and downed a shot.

But it _was_ her. It always had been and always would be. She was a thief, a murderer, a liar, and a cheat- every last bit of the dark side of humanity that most never want to face was an intrinsic part of her. Bruce just couldn't see it. He refused to see it, he refused to see her in anything but a positive light and no matter how hard she tried to show him just how terrible she really was he always downright refused to acknowledge it.

Selina forced a smile, or, maybe stifled a grimace, she herself wasn't even sure which, and turned to him to respond with a questioning "you _know_ me?"

Sometimes she wished he knew her. Sometimes she wished he could just see how bad she really was, and that he would treat her just like any other crook he might come across. It would make it so much easier. The way it was now, she cared for him. He cared for her. He always had. She always had. But it was a mistake. She should have never let herself care about him, and she should have never let him care about her.

She knew it could only end in pain for the both of them when he eventually did realize the truth, just like everyone else. Everyone good like him always found out how bad she really was eventually. It was just taking this dumbass genius a hell of a lot longer than the rest. But he'd learn to hate her soon enough. She deserved it, after all.

"Yes." Bruce responded, "maybe better than you know yourself."

He did know her. That wasn't wrong. He knew her likes, her dislikes, her usual haunts, the quirks of her personality- hell, he'd even lived together with her for weeks at a time, and those were some of the very best times of her life... they were amazing times. She was heartbroken when they ended. He understood her on a deeper level. He connected with her. It was just like he said years ago in that clever little indirect way of his. When he told her how he's never met anyone like her. That he trusted her with his life. And that he felt tied to her in a way that he couldn't explain, but wouldn't change, ever. And... yeah. She felt the same way.

But she didn't have a choice. She _had_ to change it. He cared for her too much, and he was just too good. While she was just too bad. She couldn't just sit and watch him slowly lose faith in her like everyone else. She had to end this quickly.

"Let me tell you something..." Selina turned to face Bruce. "That night that your parents were murdered? I was in that alley on the fire escape... And I watched that guy shoot your father, and shoot your mother."

That was the night this all began, the night she went from street rat to 'key component' of a murder investigation... She lied about having that information for a get out of jail free card, and she only stuck around and played along because she liked spending time with Bruce. Their food fight, running from the assassins, for her everything in that time was a new sort of thrill. It was the thrill of knowing Bruce Wayne, a truly good person.

She did a lot of things for Bruce. Hell, she even started to trust him, and she'd never trusted anyone. She became a murderer by pushing Reginald Payne out a window for him. She did it to protect him, or maybe to try to protect their friendship, and she didn't regret it, but that didn't make it any less of a murder. A murder all for the sake of keeping the boy who made her days a bit less dull around.

Alfred was right to hit her. Unlike Bruce, _he_ always knew that the scum-ridden heart in her chest was destructive and broken.

She continued her story. "And through it all, I did... nothing. I didn't call for help, I didn't... I didn't scream for the guy to stop."

Then after all of that, did she become a better person? No. She got into organized crime. Standing by Fish Mooney's side? What a thrill. It made her feel important, it made her feel wanted and useful. But people like Fish Mooney who makes you feel important, powerful, better? They also make you worse of a person than you ever were before. And you know what? She didn't even care. She loved it.

And then there was Brigit. She had failed her, first failing to save her from her brothers, then failing to save her from herself. What a terrible, awful friend she was to that poor girl. And Ivy, oh, god, how she had failed her. Ivy Pepper died in that sewer. The woman that existed today was not the girl she once knew, and it was all her fault.

She... left a trail of horrors in her wake wherever she went. And she didn't care. Not nearly enough, because she kept letting it happen again and again and again. Horrors all around her, so many of them her fault.

Bruce wasn't taking 'I didn't care enough' for an answer though apparently, and responded "it wasn't your fault. You were just a scared kid."

He was wrong, though. She was a survivor. She knew the safest option for her was to remain silent, and so she took it. She didn't care. She didn't care. She didn't do anything to stop it, Bruce has been in pain ever since all because of her, and she knew exactly what she was doing by staying silent.

"No." Selina knew it really was her fault, she could have and should have done something. "You were the scared kid. We are not the same, Bruce."

She had felt anger toward Bruce so many times. He... well, he probably never really deserved it, and she doubted he had ever once felt the same sort of feelings toward her. She was the bad person, after all. He didn't have it in him to even think about hating her.

But she kissed a clone of him behind his back, she blew up when he refused to go with her to look for Ivy, she blew up at him for paying off her mother knowing all along it was a scam. He didn't deserve that reaction. Sure, maybe he was too distant at times, sure, maybe he did things she couldn't understand sometimes. Sometimes he did things that hurt her so, so badly. But all of his actions always had good intent behind them. He never deserved the bad reactions she gave him.

Hell, he didn't even deserve her anger for promising to stay by her side during her surgery then disappearing like he did and breaking that promise only moments later. He had a good reason. A valid reason. He always had a good reason, for everything he did. But that never stopped it from hurting. She was just... too selfish. No matter what the scenario, her thoughts were always too self involved, always too apathetic to those around her.

He had to understand that. Why was he still so intent on saving, on caring about her? "I didn't do anything because I wasn't willing to risk my neck for someone else- because I didn't care."

It really, truly was. She was vengeful, spiteful, cruel. Evil at heart. Better that Bruce learn that now, rather than her having to watch him slowly start to understand the truth later.

She killed Jeremiah Valeska. And sure, he deserved it, he deserved to die more than anyone ever had before. But she didn't kill him because he deserved it... She only killed him because he had hurt her, personally. Paralyzed her. It wasn't for anyone else, it wasn't about what he did to Gotham, it wasn't about the innocents he slaughtered. It was selfish.

It always was, with her.

And she didn't even care. She knew it, but she didn't care. And if she had the chance? She'd kill him again.

"That's who I was, and that's who I am."

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! 
> 
> \- hannah


End file.
